Without meaning to, adults do things that confuse children and create the exact behaviour issues they're often keen to avoid. This of course happens un-intenionally, but there are three things you might be doing that are actually making your life harder. I bet they'll surprise you too. ⤵️
Saying "no"
Sharing
Not compromising
We are our children’s first role models…yet how many things do we ask of them, that we don’t actually do ourselves? The three listed above come up time and again with the families I work with, so I'm going to explain why they confuse our children and share what you can do instead. Please hear me out, I'm not saying you can't say no to your child, nor am I implying that you can never do these things again. But I am saying this article is well worth a read if you want to make parenting a little easier for yourself in the long run.
Saying “no”
Have you ever heard yourself, or someone else, say “I’ve said no and that’s the end of it”? Yet when our children say “no” to us it doesn’t mean they always get their way.
For example, when you’re trying to put their seatbelt on in the car. Legally, and of course for safety, they must wear a seatbelt. But they don’t necessarily know that. So what our children see is them saying “no” to something and it being disregarded. Yet when we say “no” they’re supposed to immediately accept it.
Of course we need to be able to say no as parents, but we also need our children to really listen when we say it.
What to try instead:
Instead of saying, "no, don't touch" try "can I show you how to...?"
Instead of saying, "no, that's not safe" try "does your body feel safe?
Instead of saying, "no, you need to listen" try "it's hard to be disappointed when your hear the word no but we can't...because..."
There are a whole host of different situations where we need our children to listen so for more sentence swaps for situations like not tidying up, poor behaviour, lying and more, check out The Calm Parent eBook.
Okay, confusing behaviour number 2...
Not Sharing
Imagine you’re busy writing an email on your phone. Say you’ve been working on it for a while but your partner says…"you need to share your phone. You’ve had a long turn and your son wants to play now. I know it’s yours but they did say please. Hurry up and you can have it back when they’re done.”
It just doesn’t happen, does it? Yet we repeatedly ask our children to do this.
Whether you have more than 1 child or not, sharing comes up at some point throughout childhood. Whether it’s sharing at a toddler group, soft play or once they get to school. Sharing can trigger all sorts of behaviours such as hitting, kicking, throwing and flicking. So let’s look at how to help our children with it.
What to try:
Have clear rules in your home
I always remind my children “Your house, your toys”. This means that for play dates we agree in advance, what they’re happy to share and put any special toys away before their friends arrive. I explain that their friend is just having a turn and all their toys will still be there when the friend leaves. For siblings you might choose to have a rule like, "we share once we are finished" meaning "we don't have to give things up as soon as someone asks". Children are actually more likely to hold onto something when they know someone else wants it. If you have a rule that says that everybody gets a turn eventually, this can be easier for them to accept. It also means there's a clear expectation before any arguments start.
Don’t force it
Forcing it is not going to make sharing feel like a nice thing and it’s then unlikely that our children will choose to do it when we’re not there. As I said above, they’ll also take longer ‘finishing’ whatever they’re doing when forced to share.
Play games
Games are a great way to informally practise sharing. Particularly those sorts of games where you have to share or take turns. Agree the rules and check their understanding before you start playing.
Ownership
Keep in mind that things that don’t belong to them can sometimes be harder to share. If you’re going somewhere like a group or soft play area, talk to your child in advance about what the expectations for sharing may be.
Help them to understand
We need to show our children that it’s okay to ask for what you want and to be upset when you don't get it. We also want to make sure our children know that we understand them.
When they’re the child who wants something, use language like:
"WHEN he has finished THEN you could have a turn.’‘
"It’s so hard to wait.’‘
"You can be angry but I can’t let you snatch."
Help them to wait
Children do have to learn to wait but their concept of time is different to ours. Saying
"let's do (something else) while we wait" can be a good way to pass the time.
Help them to speak up
Teach them what to say to a friend when they’re the one being asked to share. Model language like "I’d like to share this with you…" or "You are welcome to have it when I have finished." This teaches your child that it’s okay to say no or not yet. We are also helping them to learn that a friend might say yes or no.
Stay nearby.
Sharing is a learned behaviour and children will need lots of help with how to navigate it at first. Stay nearby when they’re in a situation where they might be expected to share and help them to understand, speak up and wait.
Finally, if & when they do choose to share, help them recognise how they feel when they’ve shared through choice, rather than being forced.
And lastly, the third confusing behvaiour...
Not Compromising
If I had a penny for every time I’ve heard an adult say “because I said so” I’d be a pretty rich woman.
To a child, sometimes, parenting can look pretty top heavy with adults telling them what to do without them having any real say. With the best of intetions, we plan and pranise everything and just tell our children how to behave while we are at it. From your child's POV they don't understand that you don't make all the rules either.
What to try:
Where possible, try to include your child with decisions or give them options. This way, when there’s a situation you cannot compromise on, it’ll be easier for them to take. For example, can they plan the route that you walk home from school occasionally? Could they decide on what the dessert is tonight? Are there things that you don't need to be in control of, that they could make the decision on. Or, if you're in a situation where the rules are the rules, can they make decisions within that. ie red socks or blue socks? Water or milk? Anything that lets them have a little control over their life.
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